Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize