fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this beer tastes like vomit already
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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