is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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