last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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