she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize