woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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