If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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