I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
