How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
