im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
