Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
