I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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