I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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