I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
