yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize