i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
