I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
