She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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