The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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