Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
