apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
