my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
