I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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