omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
