She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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