He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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