i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
