Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We had sex on a dog bed..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
