I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
