mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
and she was petting her beer can
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
