Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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