You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
