Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
