I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
