Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
