hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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