I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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