I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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