spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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