Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
