Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
