My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
