I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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