Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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