How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
