I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
