end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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