You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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