Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
