Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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