Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
