Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
