dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
