Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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