So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Green mimosas i think yes
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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