Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
