I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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