I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
