I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
