Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
