just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
