i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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