She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize